Woody Allen Quotes

Banned In Hollywood’s list of their favorite Allen quotes:
(Quotes are enhanced if read in Woody Allen’s voice)

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst you can say about him is that he is an underachiever.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition.

Organized crime in America takes in over fourty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty, and go back.

Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

He was so depressed, he tried committing suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Pretty good list, even has a couple quotes from Insanity Defense.

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